TOPIC: Why I am so upset rn.

CONTEXT: This thread remains in the Drama Hole because this user has been making jokes about suicide in the ZARP Discord. Contact the CM Team for more information.

Whilst writing this the resignation post was locked so I’ll post it here.

I would like to add to my previous points where I established my occasional memory loss. I'll explain some of the story around it.

Around 4 years ago I developed a psychotic disorder which causes many issues as I've established on previous posts since around I first developed it, there are many reasons I have this problem and it's rather complicated as to what sourced it. This disorder has ruined my everyday life, I find it very hard to sleep, even harder to wake up. It's damaged my friendships with many people I once thought to be close to and it ended one of my previous relationships. This condition is linked to cause brain degradation, my brain is basically eating itself, luckily it has slowed down, this doesn't happen in every case but since it's a relatively unstudied field we honestly don't know the full story, this could be linked to some nerve damage I have, including sudden pain related spasms to searing pain down one side of my body it happened today, I lost all feeling in one half of my body and when it happened I honestly think that’s it, I’m dying. It also means my heart rate is not constant and is unstable while i’m breathing (This may not be linked to it tho but all my problems usually are) which means I technically don’t have to wear a mask at college. I've tried to take my life 3 times in the past 5 years, all times with various drugs which I'll admit have only helped my damage. Unsurprisingly this has an awful lot of damage to my memory, I've lost days on end, very notable days, entire subjects in my mind like having to relearn something I knew intimately fortunately they always return to some extent.

Recently I had kidney issues due to forgetting how to drink properly, I had been consuming around 3-5x the healthy amount of water you should consume. This was not good, I couldn't walk, after I sorted myself out I weighed around 5kg less due to the sheer mass of water inside of me. Memory loss isn't just forgetting to put the bins out.

Recently someone decided to hold something I said whilst heavily deluded against me to try to get my college to do some action against me, it is not fucking funny.

Memory loss is not funny,
To use it in any somewhat professional scenario is unnaceptable, it was used by a staff member trying to score funny points, just ask him to do his fucking f1's you don’t have to say he must have memory loss.

It is not funny to not be able to remember what my girlfriend looks like.
It's not funny to not be able to remember where I live.
It's not funny to completely forget full days of my life.

To be told not to be annoyed ot "It meant nothing" is just making me feel marginalized, it meant nothing to you, that's why it means a lot to me

I hate sharing this part of my life to anyone, many of my irl friends don't know most of this, I'm also not keen on sharing this on a gaming forum because we all know some of the responses that could come out. But I am genuinely sickened by the fact people seem to think it's not only acceptable to say this but also defend it's usage whilst preaching mental health awareness. I no longer feel accepted here or that people like me will ever be accepted. And that's why I had to share.

If this gets deleted or moved I'll truly have lost all hope in this community. And you would've truly lied on your post saying you care about mental health.

Jesus, super sorry to hear about this brother. I really do appreciate you opening up about it though, takes some balls to open up about something that is having such a devastating effect on your life, not something you hear about all that often either. I agree it shouldn't have been used at all as it was very distasteful to use especially as someone with power in the community, quite disappointed by how it was handled, a simple apology to Jam would have been sufficient.