TOPIC: Help for Depressed people

Maybe it'll help someone else out in some way, so I thought I'd share. It's pretty much me spilling my heart over the last hour since I've obviously hurt him by ignoring him over the last few weeks. A little background: I'm a 22 year old college student with self-diagnosed depression and social anxiety who's been hiding these problems from everyone for as long as I've been aware of them. I'm tired of settling for an emotionless life and want to feel alive again.. So here it is:


Hey, just wanted to fill you in on what's been going on in my life. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything by not talking to you lately... you haven't done anything to deserve that. I've just been going through a lot of anxiety lately, more than usual, and I haven't dealt with it well. It's easier to hide from the ones you love instead of talking to them about your problems, which I've done for the last few years.

I've pretty much pushed everyone who's been close to me away. I've made it a very lonely world for myself, and I'm tired of it. I don't talk to my friends anymore which I blame on being too busy with school and work, but the truth is I'm overwhelmed with anxiety on a daily basis which makes it hard for me to even enjoy spending time with the ones I care about. I can’t even hold a conversation with anyone on anything other than a superficial level because my anxiety has me so focused on my insecurities. Imagine for a second that you aren’t able to automatically respond to someone with what you want to say, because your brain is too tied up thinking about the correct way to respond, along with a plethora of other ideas floating through your head that only reflect how ****ed up your brain chemistry is, instead of focusing on the subject at hand. Instead of responding with what I want to say I’ll just answer with a one word response or something equally as unfulfilling. I’m guessing this is due to social anxiety, because I’m able to think of exactly how I should have responded after the conversation ends, and it seems so obvious. But I just can’t make that simple connection during the conversation.

I don't feel like I've been myself in years.. I can count the number of times I've felt genuine happiness in the last few years on one hand. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a deep conversation with someone.. I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing a passion filled night with a girl I deeply care about.. Even our awesome trip to Cali I thought would definitely bring back a spark of happiness; I was still numb throughout the experience. I don't put myself into anything 100% anymore. I just don't have a passion or joy for anything in life anymore, and it feels like nothing can spark that passion again. I'm not sure if it's the anxiety that's led to this depression or vice versa, but either way it's destroying my life. I thought I could just pull myself out of it by myself, but it's obvious I need some help. Like I said, it's easier to just hide your feelings instead of asking for help.

But I'm tired of hiding. I've already wasted what should be the best years of my life by completely secluding myself from the world. I haven't felt love, happiness, passion or really any emotion other than sadness in a long time. It's like I'm completely numb, and I don't know what to do. I'm so ****ing tired of it though, there's no reason to go through life like this. It feels like I've dug myself into a rut that I can't get out of by myself. A cold, empty, lonely rut. The things I used to love no longer interest me; as a matter of fact nothing really interests me at all. It's like I'm coasting through life on cruise control and just sitting back staring out the window instead of stopping and enjoying the view. I'm just so ****ing numb to the world and I'm tired of it. I guess I've also been ashamed of school and didn't want to talk to you about that, considering I failed a class. Grades are in and I got a B in every other class though, which is surprising considering I've done almost no work in the last month...

Over the last few weeks I've really hit a new low, to the point where I can't even do my schoolwork. I just sit at home and smoke pot to try and feel that spark of life I once felt, but I know it's just a short-lived imitation. It comes back again to being easier to hide your problems instead of dealing with them, which is what I've been doing with weed. It covers up your feelings of emptiness temporarily and makes things a bit more enjoyable, but I know it isn't doing anything to actually make me better. All it's doing is keeping me where I am, below the threshold of happiness, by covering up these bad feelings and making it to where I don't confront them. I'm ready for a change though.. And I've hit the point where I don't feel like I can go much lower without completely destroying my life, which is why I'm just now letting this all out after the years of numbness I've gone through, hiding what I feel, or rather don't feel, from the ones I love.

Sorry to make you read this depressing story, but hey, it's the story of my life. Welcome to my world. You're the only one I've told this to in any detail, but it has to be obvious to the ones around me. I've tried to do a good job of hiding it, but you can only hide for so long. Bottom line is I'm tired of being this way and there's no point in keeping it to myself if I want to get better.