TOPIC: Coming clean about my Depression/Anxiety

A lot of you will think this is a joke or im just looking for attention and let me stop you right there as it is neither. Anyone who knows me as James and not as Evilstewie will know this isnt bs (gamersfunhouse/sorle/bazeraxe and even para). I will be explaining my own personal mental health issues in the hopes other people can see that they are not alone and anyone can have them and hide them away from everyone.


So where shall I start.... Well around 3 years ago is when I would say it first started, I started doubting my existence and why I was living. From then on it was going downhill getting worse and worse. From the start I had really low self esteem and self worth and I guess the start of my depression but at the time I never knew I had depression I thought I was always just sad.

For the next year or I kept myself to myself and refused contact with anyone due to being so embarrassed about the depression as I felt it was just me being sad all the time and I had no reason to be sad so it made everything worse.

So as it all got worse I started to get frequent panic attacks felt even more alone and started to self harm. While this was all happening my dads side of the family didnt help me at all (they didnt know but it will make more sense soon) Since I was so sad and I was forced to start painting a false image of myself so people couldn't see what I was really like as I didn't want attention nor did I want my mother to worry about me. It was very draining forcing myself to live a life that wasnt me being all fake happy and putting on a smile and saying what was needed to keep everyone happy disregarding my own life to keep everyone happy at the time. When I let my guard down at my fathers/grandparents I would instantly be told im being anti social and im a sad git, that clearly didnt help being told I was just anti social and a sad git when I already hated myself, self harmed and wanted nothing but to die to end it all. A big part of being fake was putting a "barrier" up that would stop myself from taking any form of insult and to stop myself making any new friends and to block out any chance to get a girlfriend (As a few of you know im very anti relationship, well this is the reason why)

So living a lie to keep people around me happy and oblivious to what I was really like was getting really hard to keep up when I started college, I had to be fake all day to only go home and as cringey as it sounds cry myself to sleep every night. As this got worse I was getting more and more angry at myself and I would frequently get myself into black out rages (like passing out) and would wake up with cuts all over my arms and the pain from all the cuts would hit me at once and it sucked... Since I had so many cuts I was forced to were hoodies/jumpers in all weather to hide the cuts while keeping a smile on my face every single day so no one would worry about me. A HUGE part of being fake was hiding all my anger/sadness/pain behind jokes and taking the piss (Nearly everyone knows I joke around way way too much) because it is a cover to who I really am. Part of that jokey cover up is being me online (being Evilstewie) because it really is an escape from who I am and I can lose every bad thought and bit of sadness (part at the start makes a bit more sense now)

Another huge part of my life that matters way way more than any of you think are my rats. They are way more than just pets, I use them as a therapy animal and when I get to the point of black out rage they really do change it and as sad as it sounds but they legit saved me from myself so many times.

Moving on. So having all of these problems kept making me feel worse and worse by the day until I was going to give in and that day was 13/5/17 it was a Saturday, some of you may recall me making a very short leaving post and plague im not an attention whore I had/have 3 years+ of living hell and I just wanted it all over so I said my goodbyes and planned to end it all but got caught before I could start due to being insanely upset and angry but I was forced to tell my mother EVERYTHING even though I said its a rather big thing to explain and could I tell her the next day obviously that wouldn't have been the case. But she didn't leave me until I said everything (but I didnt say everything) and then I was monitored for a while till the Monday


Monday I had college again so I put my fake smile/personalty on and went to college and during the second lesson I had a huge panic attack that triggered a migraine and I had a breakdown so I requested that I could leave and I went home. When I got back my mother said she had booked me a doctors appointment for the Friday, then she was talking to me about how it maybe something else (I cant remember what) and thats when I explained everything showed my scars (im so embarrassed about them) and said how I saw no point in living weighing up the very few positives vs the many many negatives and was honest saying I want to die and the only reason I havnt killed myself is because im not going to be selfish to my family (mothers sides anyway) After we spoke for a while im guessing she broke down because she came up to my room in tears saying how sorry she was to me and she had got the doctors appointment moved to that evening as I was a severe case and she didnt leave me until it was time to go to the doctors.

I had to explain to the doctor about everything (It was at this point I found out that I wasnt just "sad" all the time and I had many diagnosed conditions) The conditions I have are: Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Bipolar, Severe Depression, OCD along with self harm and being very suicidal.

The doctor gave me prozac and amitriptyline. The amitriptyline worked fine but once the prozac had built up it was even worse for me. They were meant to chill my brain down so I could fix my problems but they have many side effects and along with my brain it wiped out my body too so I felt completely exhausted 24/7 to the point where I would just lie on my floor for hours on end so I stopped taking them.

Thats about it to this present day, I have done a lot of work to fix myself but it is a slow process, I feel like im at the point where I can openly talk about it. This took a lot of guts to make as im still super embarrassed about it all. I hope you can read this and understand reasons behind some of the things I say/do and not only that but to understand the difference between me as a person and Evilstewie as I as a person is not really a super happy guy who hasnt a care in the world as it is the complete opposite.

I hope that explains all my mental health problems well enough and the past 3 years of my life. Again I didnt make this for attention nor for a joke I wanted to share my story just in case there is anyone who experiences even a fraction of this so they know they are not alone. If you have any questions about anything to do with this or my condition feel free to ask away and thank you for reading.

Made a new post by accident instead of hitting submit.

This post could be removed I guess, if a GM+ wants to do it.

TLDR?

Tadgee wrote:
Isnt really one bud, just spend 5 mins reading if you want to know or skim through and pick out the parts you want

This is seriously messed up. That you're coming clean about this is... well, surprising I guess. I remember a thread not too long ago whwre you were unwilling to say why you would be inactive. If this is the reason then I understand why you didn't want to tell us.

Severe depression is a serious problem. If you ever feel sad or want to discuss it with anyone, feel free to poke me on TS or send me a Steam message.

Seriously, it's amazing that you tell us this. You shouldn't feel embarassed in the slightest.

Raeker wrote:
Thank you

I know I shouldnt feel embarrassed but I cant help it :/

Evilstewie. wrote: yeah read it good on u lad

Tadgee wrote:
Cheers bud

<3

i know how fucking hard it is to talk out about shit like this, always remember if you gotta talk to anyone i'm always here bro <3

Outstanding to see you being open about this, you know where to find me if you ever need anything <3

Sad to hear about this I agree animals are good therapy epically intelligent ones like rats

I have small depression and it isnt something to be embarassed of.

What i have noticed about you that u
You are very nice but i havnt really played with you.
Only sean ur stream and on my stream.
Hope you get better

Thanks everyone

Well. I went down that road too and ended with depersonalization. And trust me, it's a thing not great to have. And sadly once you're at this stage there's no going back...

No worries buddy , you're still an unique and wonderful person to play with !
You will be and will forever be my friend !

I see where you are coming from, but instead of asking why you're here why not "honor the mystery"? You are here for a reason so why not live life to it's fullest?

Regarding the ant-social part, just avoid contact, be yourself. Do what makes you happy, not whatever that makes everyone around you happy. It gets better if you learn to live with it, but if you question/doubt yourself you will just dig a deeper hole for yourself, thus making things worse. Finding a partner could heal things up if you find the right one for you.

And if your dad or anyone else says you aren't social. Legit just tell them to "F**k off, deal with it". There is no point in trying to be someone who you aren't, if people can't accept that simple of a fact you need to stop spending time with them.

also that fake laugh thing made me giggle a bit, I would never do that shit, lol. (Yes i'm not very social either)

Pets are simply a godly gift.

I dont know you very well but if you want to you can add me on steam and talk about it, there was a guy very similar to your descriptions had on my friends list 2013, i used to talk to him a lot about his issues. Unfortunately, one day he was just gone and offline until today. don't know what happened to him, but i urge you not to do the same mistake he did

Thank you everyone

Aspect wrote:
Its harder than you would think to tell my father to fuck off lol