Ok, so I said a while ago in a post I made that one day I might make a post about some "things", but I did not specify what those "things" were. This post is basically me doing that.
So, recently, this has been something that has started to become worse, and the build up of it has led me to the point where I am kind of helpless to it, but I have two "sides" to me. There is the part of me that I like, the side that is just normal, but then I have part of me that I genuinely fear. The side of me where I just cave in to anger and hate. To be completely honest, I rarely show the other side of me, but the main fear is that one day I will end up doing just that when I am around other people, and I don't particularly want that to happen. The reason for why I have been struggling more with this lately has just been because of a build up over time. I hide from anger, and always just show myself as positive and calm in every situation. I've noticed recently that it has been smaller things that will make me start to feel my anger rise, just little things like people walking slowly in a corridor or standing in my way, and I have struggled more and more to actually keep this anger down and not let myself give in to it. I wanted to say this because I want people to understand why I have seemed to have a shorter fuse than before, and why I have been quite snappy towards some people, and I want people to understand that it isn't their fault (most of the time), and it isn't something that I want to happen.
So, the original cause for this was something that happened in the past, and something which spanned over about 8 years of my life, 8 years which were absolute hell. In the past, I used to live with my mum the majority of the time (my parents split up when I was about 3, I lived with my mum during the week, and my other parent at the weekend). All of this was fine for some time, except for some minor things happening (due to my mum being bipolar), which I most definitely will not go into detail on here, as they were relatively traumatic for me as a 4-year-old. In around January 2008, things started to get bad. My mum found a new partner, a person who didn't seem too bad, and we moved in with them. Everything was still relatively fine, I just had to move schools, but I was still happy. What we (referring to "we" as me and my 2 siblings) did not realise for at least a few months, was that this person was an absolute asshole. We didn't know at this point in time much more than just the fact that they were a fucking horrible person, but later on (2015 - 2016) we found out that they were a narcissist (our other parent knew for most of the time, but was just watching to make sure everything wasn't getting too bad, as she had past experience with narcissists, from one of her partners' mum) - I think that
this is a good explanation of narcissism, but basically they wanted us to be EXACTLY how they wanted to be as a child (in this case, a typical little girl). My siblings fit to this expectation a lot better than I did, so they were not treated quite as bad (one sibling was the "golden child" - literally fitting to it almost exactly, and the other one still fit to it better than I did), and I literally was (and still am) the exact opposite. I was always treated like trash, and no matter what I did, or how good I tried to be, I could never do anything that would be good enough. Now, making this worse, someone who is bipolar is very easily manipulated, and so my mum kind of went along with all of this, so she did nothing to stop it.
If we skip forwards, without going into detail of the mental abuse that took place, my other parent almost ended up going to court over it when it all got particularly bad towards the end of 2008 / beginning of 2009, but it started to cool off again, so it never happened. If we continue to skip through, we get to the part where we DID go to court over it, after we knew what was actually going on. On July 22nd 2016 (1 day after my birthday), I was at my grandparent's (not on my mum's side) for the week, and my other parent was in Italy. Suddenly, my gran came and told me that I had to get myself ready to go out, and we likely wouldn't be back that night, and that she would explain on the way (my grandad had to drive, yet for some reason he was wondering whether there was a swimming pool at the hotel). Apparently, my parent had received a call from my mum saying that something had happened with one of my sibling's old school, and she would be coming to collect us as the school wanted to talk to us (something that happened on Facebook where one of my sibling's friends who still went to that school called out the person who was my mum's partner at the time for mental abuse, without actually naming her at all). My parent then went and called the school (while on a mountain in Italy) and the school said that this was literally just bullshit, and they had no idea what she was on about. My parent then rescheduled her flight back for that evening, and told my grandparents to take me and my siblings, and go to Gatwick airport.
If we skip forwards by about a week, we ended up having to talk to the police (to make sure we hadn't been kidnapped or anything, my mum ended up panicking about that), and then we spoke with some solicitors and planned to go to court. The moment that my mum found out that we were going to court, she filed her paperwork to also go to court over the same thing (saved us some effort there, and also screwed herself over a little - the way it works is that the person who files first does not get to see the other person's arguments and claims, yet the ones they file against get to see theirs, we didn't need to see anything about what she planned to say, because we had more than enough to get what we wanted). So, we ended up talking to CAFCASS, as they represent the children in court cases over who gets custody over the kids (up until this point, it had all just been mutual agreements). Afterwards, everything went as planned, my mum now had no custody over us, and my other parent did, everything was fine. My mum split up with the absolute asshole she was married to at this point a little while later, as she had realised that the person who had caused it all was not our side, but hers (and also because my mum had been yelled at and called a "heartless bitch" basically every night). My mum had been doing much better since then, she's a wonderful person again, now that she doesn't have the shitty influence on her and she isn't being manipulated, and now she is a lot happier, and I am happy with seeing her, so that is now all good.
The problem is what this caused, which is a feeling of worthlessness. I had always questioned things such as value, meaning or reason to life, and had always just thought "fuck it, we've got to live here so we may as well just do what gives us some sense of happiness", and that was pretty much my outlook on life. I have always had dreams of things I want to do and achieve, and the main essence of those hasn't changed much, but I started to question really why this happens, and why I think that I would be able to do it, things like that. Eventually, I changed my outlook on life, and I now see it as "if you have to live, you may as well do what you like, and help people. If ever you see no reason to live, use that time to help those who do to achieve their dreams, and then start to see a value out of that." I've always tried to show a positive outlook on everything, and I try to never show any anger or anything, but as a result of that past, anger builds up. I have had a lot of anger build up over time, and in the past my ways to deal with that were just to sit back and relax, play some games and stuff, but then that stopped working for me. I started to think that I wasn't being productive, that I was being useless, so it was starting to be counterproductive. It was around this time that I ended up coming to ZARP. I applied for staff because I wanted to be able to help out, and then as I started branching out, everything came to how it is today. I still end up with a lot of built-up anger, and it was pretty bad last week, but I have a place to go to, and I place where I feel that I am doing something good and helpful.
Actually putting all of this down and writing about it is just something I want to do to tell people, and also because it is a way to let it out. I don't tend to actually talk to people about things, because I tend to end up worse off after doing that, and I have much better ways to handle my problems which work for me.
I wrote the first part of this in the morning, and the second half after coming home from school, which is why the mood changed a bit. I am not going to edit it though, but today has been a great day so far, and since yesterday I have been feeling better and happier than I was for the end part of last week.
And before you ask, yes, both of my parents are female, also, both my parents are bisexual and one of them is poly-amorous. If you don't understand any of that, then go and google it, if you want to make jokes out of that, then please go fuck off and contemplate your life <3.
I am also going to say, I do not want to see a single comment on this saying that I should take a break from ZARP or anything. ZARP is the main thing that has made me so much calmer, and helped me out so much. If I were to take a break, or leave, then I would end up being here, for a start doing nothing, but also there would be nothing there that I am just able to sit down and do when I am feeling particularly bad. Whenever I do feel particularly bad, I can just sit here and do my job on servers, and that has always been something which makes me feel so much better. 
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