TOPIC: ...

This is being typed for my own mentality, and for my own sake.

Many people have come across me within this community, many people I talk to, however limited few know me.
In this community, Tyler is the only one I talk to properly, involving anything, personal or server related. Why tyler, because I trust him, and he has come to me before to talk about personal things.

I'm a person who does not show emotion, and does not properly feel emotion, which is caused by 1 thing.
This 1 thing back dates to my child hood, that went on for several years, it scared me away from so many things, the primary thing being alcohol, for also 1 reason.

That childhood changed who I am as I started to understand it more, but not for good, it changed my mentality to a point of a split personality, which I always try to keep the other side away.

The other side of me, is rather violent, the last issue with a person I had, was a few years back, which was a point I was understanding, I was in p.e. And someone decided to push me to far, by simple things, I came seconds aways from putting his head through the climbing equipment in the gymnasium, however luckily a teacher stopped it. This me I am scared of, and was a result of a childhood problem.

This other me I conceal. Even from family, and do a good job, until a simple argument lead to me punching the wall several times, cutting my knuckles open.

These issues have caused my emotions to be dampened, but randomly can be triggered, and the turn to anger.

Recently I found out an uncle of mine had died, after 20 long months on chemo, I had no reaction when told about this, until now, where memories off someone who I was stupidly close with, within my family, who had died of cancer, on the week I found out, I literally spent more time crying in my room than I did anything else. Now due to my uncle dieing of cancer, it has also flooded back a lot of memories, putting my mentality/mental health, not at its stable.

If you saw me Irl, you would notice I never take my jacket off, and will always have a headphone in with music, and will refuse to remove either, I've had judgments because of it, from a place I am suppose to feel comfortable at while studying, and also within my own family.
People are quick to judge people, for things they do, but never look at the reasons why.

Ohh Yeh, I have a jacket on, in the boiling heat, and music playing for my own mental health, to keep it from going to where I am scared.

This is also a notice to say, I will not be doing anything related to zarp, or anything related to games tbh, for a few days, I will be at the meeting for surf on Friday still.

There are 2 people I do want to thank right now.

1. Tyler, there for when I need that person I can trust to talk to, involving Any situation, which has helped me several times, and has also put me at ease Irl, and has even stopped me from resigning several times, just due to talking to him

2. Para. You always out a smile on my face and make me laugh, we understand eachother, and the limits between eachother, when ever we have an issue, we will just talk it out, with no hard feelings, with this has created a nice friendship, I also come to you for advice, idky but I do, and you usually give me advice that helps or is perfect for what I needed.

If para and tyler where not here, I for sure would not be, for 2 things, I would have resigned due to topics above. And other they have allowed me to progress in zarp, and gave me the advice to progress.

P.s. If you think I trust you, the likely hood of that is almost non existent, there is only 3 people in zarp I have trust for, and only 2 Irl. But no one fully, I don't even trust my self fully.

And for people who question and whine for why para hates the word cancer, maybe this post will give an invite how it can effect people, because trust me, Irl I would actually hurt someone for joking about it.

Bannana, para and tyler, over next few days, I will only really be talking to you three.

Tip of my hat, glad to know I've helped.

Anon, you know that if you won't tell people then it will get worse. I recommend consulting a doctor for your own safety.

Annie Montana wrote:
It isn't so easy to do something like that. When you struggle to even trust yourself and fear parts of yourself, to go and open up to a complete stranger is a difficult thing to do. Opening up to anyone is immensely difficult for some people. Having someone to talk to is a good thing, but if you are like Anon (he has stated before that he does not open up to a complete stranger like a doctor) - and I hold a similar mindset - then going to a doctor is not really something that can be done very well, it just brings on a bunch more stress. Anon has people he trusts and talks to about things (Para and Tyler), and that is what he needs in a time like this, to let his mind not be filled with stress from things in ZARP, and to have somewhere, even just a small place in his own mind, that he can go, or someone he can talk to which makes him feel calmer and safer.

The way you feel is something within you, there are ways to cope and help you pull through, but no matter what you do, the prime goal that you have to strive for is to at least manage to pull through it.

I can't really say anything. I have no idea how it is to be in your possition. So I'll just send my love and hope for the best <3

Well, didn't expect something like this after one incident of punching a wall.
At least you are trying your best to keep the best of you in.

If you ever need to speak to anyone just hit me up on Steam, I'd like to think I'd be able to help you.

Good that you shared this with us since a lot of people didn't knew this about you including me. If you need someone to talk to when my fellow dutch man, the swedish guy and the tea drinker are not online then feel free to talk to me ya milkshake. My Condolences.

Tylers a great guy to trust, Anyways dude sad to hear about your uncle and hope you and your family get through the sad loss.

This is... wow.

I don't know what to say, to be honest. I hope you at least feel comfortable in Zarp - that's what matters to us the most.

Good on you for telling us this. You did not have to do that.

Come on men, be safe

yeah he isn't really the simplest person I know from irl experiences

edge, but seriously I used to be violent to

You can learn to control it, i had a bad experience at the age of 6 where i went to a school full of immigrants who were not very gentle with me. Especially 4 of them who would bash on me every chance they got. Even when I had my mum come with me everyone would notice me holding my mums hand and they were screaming and making death jokes etc.

13 years later and it still affects me socially in multiple scenarios. I have a hard time opening myself up and being myself. I've had other experiences but this is the main one which also resulted in anger issues between 7-11 or so. Today when i get that angry I manage to control it, avoiding further trouble.

However by controlling this I am a victim by isolation myself from both good and bad feelings. Sometimes I don't feel anything inside of me.

TheNeonRaider wrote:
O_o after 7 years, and you still say the same , don't worry seargent can't torture anyone else at that school.
Aspect wrote:
I tend to just no bother trying, simpler way, or just get a detraction.
The world is a bitch, and always will be, go in to a cocoon, and come out a butterfly.

Why wont you seek proffesional help. I can ensure you it will clear your mind and refresh it alot (But its totally up to you)

I can tell it works because,

I've had suicidal toughts, attempted suicide and was socialy insecure (and alot more but i'd rather keep that private), untill i seeked help which was mostly forced due my parents getting actually concerned. Since then i've been going to the gym building up muscle and general health. And i can ensure you, hiding or avoiding your feelings will not clear up your mind better then it is now. And i know you stated that you only trust limited amount of people (which i did aswell before i seeked help) Even in 2 therapy sessions i refused to talk to him. but eventually it cleared out alot. As from now, im actually concerned about your mental health. And it's indeed optional to seek professional help and it's absolutly not required but i highly reccomend it, otherwise i wouldnt be here by now

(sorry for the bad english)

spodermon wrote:
The problem is, that would only help if you a comfortable talking about it to them, which I'm far from comfortable to do that.
Professional help is case by case, Someone me and neon know had help, but it didn't help him what so ever, so yeh, depends on the person for that.

Plus, i'm normally fine, just can be triggered sometimes, just not as often