TOPIC: Give Me Feedback

Hi, guys.

So, I'm writing my dissertation for university, and because it's a creative writing Master's Degree, it requires me to write a 30,000 word story. So, I'm passing a small sample along, and if you like it, let me know, if you don't, any feedback and constructive criticism is always welcome.

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Val didn’t feel much like chasing after him. Any extra exertion would likely have him on the floor within a few seconds. He was already panting from their exchange, his symptoms were kicking in again, and his veins bulged outward. They squirmed uncomfortably against his skin, writhing, streaks of blue turning black against his pale skin, all the way from his feet to his face. He just had to lean back into the chair, breathe in. Breathe out.

It was a few seconds of that followed by sputtering, he was choking on air. The doctors explained, as he had last heard, that his body would express the need for theakes by starting to transform energy he already had into theakes. This manifested as siphoning the very energy keeping his body functional – ergo, the laboured breathing, the stabbing pains in his abdomen as his digestive tract struggled to even process food. He couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that the pain of the grinding flesh, as brutal as it was, was better than this. This pain was a direct result of him not taking the medication soon enough.

Too much procrastination, too much dancing around the shot. It was unpleasant enough getting a jab in the arm, but to jab it directly into his wrist – it felt like such a strange place for a shot, but this was where the theakrium would gather, and then surge through the rest of his body. He could see the thin, metallic pack the needles came in. A set of twenty small needles clustered into one pack, he’d remove another one. Applying it one more time would stop the pain. His wrist was still swollen from the one from earlier. If he took too many shots, he would pass out, and the theakes would go to waste as they wouldn’t be processed fast enough. Kol was already out of the room, but he was brought back by Val’s incessant groaning.

Without saying a word, he took the mini-syringe from Val’s hand, taking his other hand and laying it flat on the arm of the chair. Wrist facing up, he’d apply the shot – directly into where the other one had been placed. It was like a big, bulbous bullseye. As soon as he applied the shot, Val clenched his teeth, throwing his head back and pinning his free hand to his assaulted arm. The veins were bulging outwards and it felt as though they were straining against his hand as he held it against them. Just keep breathing. It was the mantra he needed to repeat. The deeper breaths made him feel calmer, made the pain somehow less. Could’ve been simply a placebo effect, but it happened.

The pain was eclipsed by a slight sensation of peace. As soon as the theakes had a chance to surge through him again, his veins started to pull back into his skin, and he could feel the flesh beginning to emerge from his chest again, grinding briefly with a flash of a deep mauve before receding into his skin. Kol pulled the needle out and looked at the affected area with Val. Kol had the same idea the teenager had. The both of them were marvelling, more in growing horror than anything else, that it was taking more than one syringe every three or so hours to get through the cumbersome pain, and exhaustion.

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Father Watson wrote:
That's my first read through. Most of your sentences are long, but there is variation at times so you can play with that. Beside the second paragraph, the topic sentences are very good which grips my attention.

Quite descriptive, however, I believe it is a bit repetitive. This section can be more concise, as you start repeating quite a lot on the "veins throbbing" and stuff. It might be an important section regarding your story, but you should try adding more variety to your writing rather than the continuous narration of the physical occurrences. This is quite a short extract so I am not entirely sure whether just this section is like this, but the extreme detail can confuse the readers as to what's happening. It might also be because I have no context of any of the characters or storyline, but these are my thoughts from reading your extract.

Edit: Your diction is also often quite flat, and it sometimes feels as if you are just quite literally "stating" what is happening. For example "this happened, then this, then that, then this..... etc" Otherwise, I think your storytelling is quite good, there is depth in what you are writing about especially regarding the chemicals and such

This is helpful; I've already used some of the feedback given, especially the whole present versus past tense thing.

Yes, the veins throbbing thing is important, and I probably coulda chosen a better extract, or started you off from the beginning to allow for better clarity/context. EDIT: I just noticed Train's edit, and you've got a point. It could be expressed slightly better, as I think I've had this issue before where I've been told I tend to describe things with an overly monotone voice - like you said, "this happened, that happened". Maybe I can rethink how it's structured.

The one thing I disagree with is the whole "ergo" thing. I'd argue that it's fine to use it, as long as it's used in the right context. It's fixed third-person; intended to be slightly snarky, but still intelligent sounding while retaining the descriptive elements. That said, I'll consider using a different word, as perhaps words like this fall under the same bracket as "etc", which can seem a bit nonchalant/precarious.

Ah man i wish i could help but i don't want to even try, i don't have the best English, and i'm already lacking in French dissertations, even tho i've never had to do anymore after i went to study industrial maintenance.

They squirmed uncomfortably against his skin, writhing, streaks of blue turning black against his pale skin
I think you can easily change that to make it less repetitive.

ITzTrain wrote:
Ah yes I agree with this. It's more like a surgeon piercing through every detail, but I wouldn't mind seeing more imaginative comparisons i.e metaphors, similes. It's what will make your work stand out.

for example instead of
I envision thousands of small slippery eels coursing through rugged coral... Stuff like that will impress whoever is examing you - but the danger of it is producing too much flowery imagery to the point where it itself becomes boring.