"Banter". Can we end it? Destroy it, cleanse it with fire, encase it in lead and hurl its charred corpse into the North Sea? It is, and I am speaking as someone who recently decried the use of hyperbole in public debate, literally and without question the single worst thing in the history of the universe. Worse than the SN1987A supernova in the Large Magellanic Cloud, which wiped out six planetary civilisations (you probably didn't read about that at the time, though).
Now, we can argue until our own sun burns its final hydrogen molecules about whether that's funny or not. Personally I think any joke which needs its payoff signalled a month in advance is not worth the effort. Is it offensive? As I've discussed before, some people will think it is, some won't. Personally I'm not about to march on Parliament, but I can see why people might not like it. Obviously it would be ridiculous to ban crap jokes in trousers, but people who are offended have the right to say so. It's all part of our rich denim tapestry, or something.
But. Oh, God, but. The people defending it. "It's only banter", they all say. I have seen the word "banter" probably 50 times this morning. Banter. "It's not our fault if you can't take a bit of banter." "Grow up, it's only a bit of banter." "Get a sense of humour, it's just banter." Banter.
Banter is not humour; banter is what people have when they lack a sense of humour. Banter is a catch-all word for idiocy that warns the rest of us that Here Be Lads. Banter is Soccer AM. It is Andy Gray. It is middle-aged men on Top Gear pretending that they are edgy outsiders by mocking society's weakest, then going home to Chipping Norton where they live two doors down from the Prime Minister. It is an English stag do in Dublin or Amsterdam with matching T-shirts. It is cruelty unleavened by wit but which is excused because it is a bit like wit, if you look at it from a certain angle. It what is left when humour has died, and just the rotting, stinking carcass remains, bearing a resemblance to the living being but lacking all that made it good. Banter is the Dunning-Kruger effect writ large. If you like banter, you are an idiot.
I'm not a fan.
This is not a tirade against rudeness. I am all in favour of rudeness, of bawdiness, of insult and mockery and obscenity. They're all brilliant things, when done well. But "banter" isn't. If you insult someone, you expect them to be insulted; if you are rude, you expect people to be offended. "Banter" is apparently a free pass: I can insult you, but you're not allowed to be insulted, because "it's only banter". I can be obscene, but you can't be offended, because "it's only banter". No. If you're a grown-up, you know that your offensiveness may offend, and you either accept that or you apologise and don't do it again. Saying "it's only banter" makes you not only an idiot, but an idiot who can't take responsibility for his own jokes.
This isn't "only banter". I'm literally and specifically saying that if you – you, the reader – like "banter", you are an idiot. You are welcome to be offended by that.
My new name is Tom Chivers and I hate banter